The Torturer's Apology

I, a humble servant of the Crown, pen this most sincere apology. In the execution of my duties I was tasked with extracting information from a condemned prisoner - a task I have performed many times before with the utmost care and precision. Yet, on this most peculiar of occasions, a most outlandish accident occurred, and the prisoner did not survive the ordeal. It was a most foolish accident, I assure you. In my efforts to extract the information required, I did apply a tool of my trade, a wooden mallet, upon the prisoner's head with great vigor. And yet, to my great surprise, the prisoner's countenance did cave in, most unexpectedly. I cannot express the depth of surprise and confusion that I feel for my part in this peculiar event. I humbly beg forgiveness for my failure. I must also assure His Majesty that I will take all necessary measures to ensure that such an accident never occurs again under my watch. I will redouble my efforts to perfect my craft and to exercise the utmost caution and care in the execution of my duties. I beg leave to express my sincerest condolences to the family of the deceased - as I know the prisoner was Cousin to His Majesty and deeply beloved of him. My head bowed deeply with regret, Robert-François Damiens